When was the last time you asked for something you needed? Did you mumble, shuffle your feet, avert your gaze? Did you wind up talking yourself out of whatever it was you needed (and maybe apologized for even asking)?

Ours is not a "direct" culture. We take the long way around to making our point. For women, in particular, we make sure to not sound demanding — we are labeled "aggressive" rather than "assertive" if we speak our minds. We may even be afraid that people will judge us — or not like us — for speaking up, so our needs remain unmet as we simmer in frustration that the other person doesn't automatically know what we want.

What can make asking more difficult is if as children we were taught, directly or not, that our needs weren't worthy or important. Maybe our caregivers yelled at us if we asked for something, or they ignored us. Maybe there were other stressors going on and we didn't want to add to them. Couple this with a culture that is so afraid to speak up because of the fear of causing offense, and it's a wonder we are able to advocate for ourselves at all.

Marsha Linehan, founder of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, saw the need for effective communication and created a strategy to help us ask for what we need (or say no) effectively. Called "DEARMAN," this script can help you get to the point and cut out a lot of the nonsense in the process. 

As are most skills in DBT, "DEARMAN" is an acronym: Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, (stay) Mindful, Act confident, Negotiate. Let's look at an example of someone whose roommate repeatedly neglects to take out the trash.

Describe

Here we want to stick to the facts, or give the "headline" for what's bothering us: "We agreed I'd do the dishes and you'd take out the trash every week, but you haven't yet." Notice that we are not talking about emotions, we're just stating the facts.

Express

This is where we tell the other person how we're feeling. We want to be sure to avoid words such as "always," "never," "should" and "shouldn't" -- the "blame-and-shame" words -- as this will put the other person on the defensive. Use "I" statements, not "You" statements. For example, "I feel (emotion) when you (observation)." Notice that we aren't accusing -- we're being clear. "I feel frustrated when the trash is overflowing and I have to take it out every week."

Assert

Now we ask for what we need. Keep it simple. You'll lose momentum if you over explain.

"I'd really appreciate it if you'd take out the trash every week like you promised."

Reinforce

It's helpful to note how this could help them, too. Here we could say, "We could avoid the ant problem in the kitchen if the trash were disposed of," or "The house would smell a lot better if you'd keep up with the trash schedule." Or, take a cue from Marsha Linehan herself and start your sentence with: "I would really appreciate it, and would be a lot easier to live with, if ..."

(Stay) Mindful

Act like a "broken record" if the other person tries to derail us into an argument or "what-aboutisms." Keep repeating, "I'd appreciate if you could empty the trash like we agreed to. I'd appreciate it if you could empty the trash like we agreed to."

Act confident: This is where we often lose our nerve and backtrack on what it is we're asking. The word "act" is key — you may not feel confident, but be sure to hold eye contact and avoid mumbling, shuffling your feet, apologizing or offering to take on all the chores. There is a low likelihood of hurting someone's feelings by asking them to uphold their end of the living arrangements.

Negotiate: Sometimes we need to give a little to get. If it works for you, you could suggest swapping chores: "How about I take out the trash if you do the dishes?" Or you could turn it around: "What do you suggest we do?"

Once you've effectively used DEARMAN and you've seen positive changes, be sure to validate the other person's efforts: "Thank you for taking out the trash. The house smells great!" or simply, "I appreciate you taking out the trash." Sure, it may be their "job" to take out the trash, but a little appreciation can go a long way...and may prevent the need for this conversation in the future. 

I am currently accepting new clients. If you'd like to learn more about effective communication and listening skills, give me a call at 619-272-6858, x707 or email paula@anxietytraumatherapy.com.