My client sat with their shoulders slumped, head down. They were struggling with not feeling “enough” in their relationships, starting with their biological mother, who put them up for adoption at birth.

“I wasn’t good enough for her. She gave me away.”

I acknowledged my client’s sadness, then had a thought.

“What if she didn’t think she was good enough for you? She knew she couldn’t provide for you and wanted you to have a chance in life. Your parents chose you. How many of us can say our parents chose us on purpose?”

There are times when we can be a prisoner of our own thoughts, judgments and biases. This is where reframing can help.

Reframing is used in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to help us see a situation from a different perspective so that its meaning shifts and our thinking shifts with it. Reframing is not toxic positivity or sugarcoating a negative event. It’s simply thinking beyond our negative thoughts, beliefs, judgments and assumptions and replacing them with something more helpful.

How many times have you texted a friend, only to receive radio silence? Did you immediately think they were mad at you? Did you spiral and fear that they would tell all your friends what a bad person you are?

Try reframing the situation. Have you done anything to anger your friend? Now think of all the reasons why they’re not answering you right away. Could they be driving? Taking a nap? Charging their phone? At work? Do you answer all your texts immediately, 100 percent of the time?

American psychologist Aaron Beck noted that human beings tend to skew toward the negative.  This was most likely helpful when we lived in caves and had to outrun saber-tooth tigers. Our negative thoughts kept us safe. But our caveman brain hasn’t caught up with evolution, and we still tend to see things as good or bad, black or white. Have you ever failed a test or got flustered during a presentation and then lost all motivation to keep trying? What did you tell yourself? That you’re useless, a failure, stupid? Now ask yourself: Is this actually true? Does it make more sense — and feel better —  to reframe it as needing more time to study or maybe taking a class on public speaking?

As I sat with my client, I noticed they looked intrigued. “If I hadn’t been adopted, I wouldn’t live in California and be doing what I love. My birth mom gave me a chance at life.”

Reframing doesn’t happen overnight. It’s helpful to keep track of our negative thoughts, to literally write them down as we catch ourselves thinking them (trying to remember them all isn’t as effective).

So try this: Next time you have a negative judgment about yourself or a situation, write it down and counter it with something more realistic. For instance, “I’m stupid and will fail this test” could be reframed as “I’ve studied and I’m prepared.” “I’m a lot for people to handle” could be reframed as “I’m strong-willed and independent.” See what you come up with, and put those new, more effective thoughts into use. Just don’t beat yourself up if you don’t get it right every time — a helpful reframe could be “I’m new at this and need practice.”

Paula Pisani is currently accepting new clients for weekend appointments. For more information on reframing and learning to change thought patterns, she can be reached at paula@anxietytraumatherapy.com.