When you think about self-compassion, I wonder what might come to your mind-“That’s too difficult to do, that’s not for me, I’m used to being hard on myself, or, I don’t need to be compassionate, I get things done much better when I’m hard on myself, and that’s all the motivation I need!”

Did you know that in the short term being hard on yourself can help you to get things done, and that it can be a great motivator for many people? Look at the people in the military for example, they use a type of tough love strategy and get things done right away. In fact, they do it so well, that they must do it while being under an immense amount of time pressure! They are praised and celebrated for some of the wonderful things they do, and sadly, many of them are celebrated as our own personal heroes for enduring tough love.

Did you know that being hard on yourself can have long term detrimental effects on your well-being, such as your self-worth, self-esteem and self-acceptance? That long term, you can start to be so hard on yourself, you actually start to dislike yourself, and even sometimes hate yourself? This goes not only for people who endure tough love in the military, but this can also happen to people who grow up with parents who have taught them to be hard on themselves. I’m sure we may have heard our parents say from time to time, “stop crying, pull yourself up by the bootstraps and move on, you’ll be fine!” Well, you know what, sometimes we are not fine, and it’s important to acknowledge when we are not. Sometimes our mind, body and spirit need a little bit of gentleness and kindness to feel better; and that this might work better than that tough love stuff.

I like to use a type of therapy called Self-Compassion therapy. It’s a type of therapy that helps us to stop being so hard on ourselves, and instead, teaches us to be compassionate, kind, gentle and tender instead. It helps teach us that sometimes being more compassionate to ourselves in the long run, can be a much better, and more enjoyable way. In fact, it can not only help us to feel better, but it can also help us to decrease some of those tough love tendencies. Once we start to implement these phrases, we can then start to enjoy a life of self-acceptance, and become who we were truly meant to be; all the while in the process of making some wonderful changes.

If you are someone who was taught to be hard on yourself, I invite you to try to be a little gentler instead. You can try this by talking to yourself in a way in which you might offer support to a friend, or maybe in a way that you might talk to a little baby that is crying. We can say things like, “It’s okay to make a mistake, or, I am here for you, and maybe we can try do it a little better next time, or, we don’t have to do everything so perfect right now.” Learning to use little phrases like this can have a significant impact on our self-esteem and self-worth in many ways we might not have known even existed. Imagine how we might feel if we replaced using 50 harsh phrases a day to whip ourselves into shape, and replaced them with 50 phrases of kindness and compassion instead. I am willing to bet you might find you are enjoying yourself just a little bit more each day. You might even find yourself laughing at some of those silly mistakes you make, and even some of those really really big mistakes! In the end, we all are imperfect human beings, and if we choose to embrace our imperfections with love and tenderness, we might find life to be a little more peaceful and a lot more enjoyable. 

Kristin Neff, who is the founder of Self-Compassion Therapy teaches on these very same things that have been taught to me. I was fortunate to have taken some of her trainings to learn how to put these skills into practice. I have been using self-compassion therapy on myself, with friends and family, and with patients, for over 10 years. Many people have found self-compassion therapy to be life changing, as I have seen it with my own eyes, and even with myself.

I can only ask, why not give it a try? What do you have to lose? I am willing to bet that your mind, body and soul are just waiting for you to be kind and compassionate towards it…

The author Aaron Skobel is currently accepting new clients. You may contact him by calling 619-272-6958 X714 or email to aaron@anxietytraumatherapy.com or info@anxietytraumatherapy.com